#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.