#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee