#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
bad news gang
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: