*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.