*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.