[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
You Might Also Like
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Awesome parenting 😂
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
worst…sale…ever
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
#parenting
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet