Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
You Might Also Like
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are