Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
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I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
#winning
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.