Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
🤣🤣🤣
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
just gave your address to some spiders
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.