@_thatigirl: Rude lady to me, "Well I'm sorry but you don't LOOK sick to me." Me, "Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don't look stupid."
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@animaldrumss: moron: "duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea" me: try getting tacos instead, genius
@HomeProbably: I was asked to babysit once but it didn't go very well. You're not meant to sit on them.
@sammyrhodes: Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
@Brianhopecomedy: Ugh, I may have lost my "World's Best Dad" keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don't know where she went.