Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Genius idea!!
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.