interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants