Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
More like Kate Missington.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord