Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.