Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs

@JoshuaHvr: Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."

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@TitansHomer: According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

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@TheCatWhisprer: You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

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@BillMc7: Been coughing all day. Can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

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@david8hughes: Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas

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