59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The cashier just checked me out.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all