Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
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What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Yoga Matt
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried