@BadJordon: Ruin a hipster's day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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@BrainFumbles: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...
@Gre_Gone: Me: *ziplines into wedding* "Sup nerds?" *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down* Priest: "Ooh a piñata!"
@ericacanrant: If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.