Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.