Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?