Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Have kids, they said
Education is vital
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.