Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”