Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?