Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
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I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?