Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
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Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.