Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
live, laugh, laundry.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.