I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.