Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
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Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
beware of dog
(jukin media)
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
he looks great for his age
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.