Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
moms in horror movies
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?