Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I thought this was funny lol
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Jurassic park gets weird
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants