[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Herpes is trending, good job people
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her