Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking