[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
You Might Also Like
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.