“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
You Might Also Like
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.