[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
cry laughing at this shit
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”