[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
plums roundup
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
m’lady
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.