@AKcrazy18: Running away doesn't help you with your problems. Unless you're fat.
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@SamanthaRae49: When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
@chopper4jk: My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid's these days...
@PabloGSerski: Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
@lilpwoppa: Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.