Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
May never get over this
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders