Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.