[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“I’m helping” 😅
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.