[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!