running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me