running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.