@jazmasta: [running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
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@JohnnyCrash5: [First date & I'm super nervous] Her: Are you ok? Me: yesh. Her: did u just say yesh? Me: um Nosh.
@vineyille: How’d you come up with the idea? Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
@wastefulthinker: Me: "Hey Siri, I nee-..." Siri: "Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend."
@T_Bonezzz_: Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... [ *Coughs up hairball* ] Dog: You gonna eat that?