@jazmasta: [running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
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@HousewifeOfHell: Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist. I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
@NicestHippo: [religion conference] BUDDHA: What's your opener? JESUS: "God loves you." You? BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
@matsmoustache: You walk into my bedroom... I'm laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest. You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
@sirivan: There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing. Except for a broken foot. Then you should see a doctor.