Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here