Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?