*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I love the National Park Service.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*