Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.