I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Breaking news:
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Lucky old June.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?