*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
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when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Happy Friday
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.