Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.