Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
When you let grandma cat sit
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain