Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You Might Also Like
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.