Running your mouth is not cardio.
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Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”