*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me irl
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.