[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You Might Also Like
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Do not levitate over flowers
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.